6:15 New Years Eve

Home, New Years Eve, I wanna say it was a good year, it was a decent year. Best things–going to part time at HD & ramping up my auctioning & eBay, & seeing my “deep” place vs. the other, harder places. Started thinking about what I want to accomplish in the next year. I have to find some happiness & real contentment, otherwise I really might not make it. I know my “deep” place, its being at my glass house with the snow coming down & my new dog & the total quiet except for the sounds of nature around me. This symbolizes the depth of my soul & its a real place, & thats probably one of the most, if not the most important event of my life, seeing & occassionally being in that place, which also has had me looking & seeing in the distance a place of real, deep happiness, & I realize there is a huge block there, & I am in the early stages of seeing that, but when I see that place of real, deep happiness, something huge blocks it, & I don’t yet know what it is, but it kind of feels like as soon as I get to that place, there is going to be a huge pain, maybe insurmountable, about what has gone before in my life, & this fear or knowledge may be blocking me. It may also have to do with something about the church & heaven & hell & in-bred or in-taught feelings that are so deep they may still be controlling this move to real happiness. I don’t know yet but I do know this is all real & as real as its ever been for me. Thats good. Anyways, I have a list of some thoughts I jotted down at work & I think I will write them in tomorrow’s new journal. Warm out today, like spring, loved it. There is a cute guy at work who might be gay, but he is young, but it would be nice to have a gay buddy, especially  a good-looking young one like him. Anyways. One of my goals is to get a sound system for my place so I can get back to music. Also to clean my carpet. Funny. Happy New Year!

1/1 Sat 9:50 am

Nice quiet peaceful New Years morning. Exercises done, good way to start the year. Mild OCD, no big deal. Also trying to be beside it, or above it, or below it, like I wrote about last nite. Work at 11:15, sunny out right now, 30′s, not bad, going to get colder. Oh well. Neighbors upstairs might be getting things ready to move, wishful thinking, although it really hasn’t been as bad the last 3 or 4 weeks since we went up there the second time. Gonna write down some resolutions that I was talking about last nite:  * Keep working on going to my deep place that I have seen & been to, & looking for the places where it is easier to be there, like the quiet of this morning, outside, the hills & mountains, the ocean, etc;  * Keep trying to be in that place when pressure arises, OCD, panic, insecurity, & all;  * Get a sound system for my place to get my music back; * Maybe go to Jamaica, but at least probably go to Gatlinburg 3 times; * Clean the carpet, haha; * Be both pro-active & re-active, pro-active is seeking my deep place of contentment & looking at that massive wall I wrote about last nite, & re-active in stepping out of the painful places. All for now.

8:30 pm Home

Pretty good day at work, feeling fairly mellow, looked at Caribbean websites, trying not to let my stuff get to me. Justin was there today, another cute 18 year old, nice kid, going to **** State for architecture next year, nice guy & nice looking, a swimmer w/ streaky blond hair from the chlorine in the water at high school. I know, I’m wierd. I told him I really liked his hair. Funny. Anyways. Good day, mellow, pizza at work, ate all day. Sipping brandy & coke now, cold out again. Looks like I got a card from Kelsey. All is ok.

9:30 1/2 Sunday

Work at 10:15. Exercises done, had to work off some of that pizza from yesterday. Slept pretty good, a dream about being in a nudist camp & I think Norma was there, laying out & me looking at her bare pussy, wierd. Not getting especially aroused (Norma, my HS girlfriend) but just looking at her. Anyways, dreams were pretty calm, all is ok I think, fairly calm. Gonna go wrap the figurine going to Puerto Rico. All is ok, cold today, in the teens, clear. Snow is gone except all the piles.

7:54

Home, pretty good day, Colts just won in the last few seconds, didn’t see it but we were watching it on our computer at work, they are in the playoffs now, they deserve it, they had a tough season w/ injuries. Sold the other Lenox figure, good, finally sold that. Started sketching out a wall piece w/ my “Moon-over-Muncie” idea, I like it. Justin was there & I couldn’t believe I am nervous around him, same way I have felt w/ girls that I have liked, or other people that have made me nervous. Wierd but I think I was ok, I am calmer now. He is just a really sexy youthful guy, all those things that make me a wierd old guy, but its just who I am, my wierdness will subside around him, it always does, usually. Besides he is only there on weekends, he’s a nice kid as well, & a little uptight, like me. We could probably be friends. Anyways, real cold out. Sent mom a musical card, took it over to the PO after work so it will get there by Tues. All is ok. Gotta go finish wrapping the big figurine to send to Puerto Rico. Gotta get back on Craigs List too, to advertise. All is ok, feel ok, & oh yea, best news, the people upstairs did move out. I told myself to be patient, & I would outlast them, and all would be ok. I don’t want to sound mean, they were ok at the beginning but they really did cause me a lot of problems. All is ok.

Thursday Morning on Bus

Rainy day–not a whole lot to tell. Actually said something to the Asian girl from Piermont on the bus yesterday. Been horny ever since. Glad I said something at least. Haven’t painted this week–guess I’m taking a week off–kind of mind-weary. Work isn’t comfortable. Always taking everything personally–the church job–probably okay but until its done, I feel inadequate. Really can’t stand Hal, to be honest. Can’t tell if he’s a good teacher & I’m completely inadequate or if I’m fine & he’s just mean & wierd. Can’t believe I’ve worked 17 years being stupid but thats what I feel like around Hal–maybe he’s the first tough boss I’ve ever had & I’m just not used to it. Either way, I still think my personality isn’t in synch w/ this profession but then I start to think this is just my excuse for being a wimp. Too many words, I think I’m ok & can probably be a successful artist, I’m just in a mind-weary period right now. Feels like too much sadness, too much self-doubt from too many questions.

9/12 Fri Morn’g on Bus

I’m going to write so I don’t go into a fantasy about Laura’s brother–another “David & the Lost Soul” fantasy. Maybe for all my retoric about helping the underdogs, I just want a friend & to feel loved & appreciated. Oh well. Foggy morning. Still mild weather. I’m going to put up a notice & look for a new apartment. Why not. Work is boring. Yesterday was payday–yea. Not much to put into savings this time–$600. Don’t feel that optimistic, to tell you the truth. Looking forward to the weekend–haircuts for me and Billy.

9/14 Sunday Nite

Strange days indeed. Finally did a painting tonight after a week, at least. I MUST keep painting, no matter what. Read that the two most important things are love & work. Good subject. Painting is my work, no matter what. And on love, well… I think maybe the aloneness of my life is catching up to me–or maybe I’m having one of these “psychic breaks”–leaving reality. Got hit hard this morning by my hurting head–when I thought I better get a reservation in for the Caribbean–this set me off terribly–it triggered something–so afraid of making mistakes–of screwing up. The substance of the thought was logical but it triggered something that hurt all day–(now I remember) & I was afraid I would also turn all my hopeful & fun planning into pain. I took a nap and dreamed–in my dream–I was afraid I was losing my feeling–deep, even sad maybe–but strong deep feelings & in my dreams I went so far as to pray. (I was in deep pain at the thought of losing feeling) so I went so far as to ask God to please don’t let me lose my deep feeling & even said “in Jesus name Amen” & in my dream I knew this was as serious as I could possibly get in asking for help, in fear of losing feeling. Wow. “Long time Miss Beverly…” playing. Too many words. Much feeling and sadness and even dispair. Felt better after talking w/Tania about my plans. She even looked interested at me. Maybe the women are right under my nose. Felt better after I painted too. I seem to be needing talking & craving companionship anymore. Talking is good for me. So is painting. Must not worry about depression. Just keep going. Started looking at my travel books again. I know that any island will be fine. I think St. Lucia is good. Guadalupe sounds nice but I’m not sure I want to deal w/ the French language. I think I can think about this all now. It doesn’t seem like an eternity anymore. Actually, the brevity of time is making me a tad nervous. I don’t want to screw this up, l I won’t. I’m going thru w/ my plan regardless or die trying.

9/15–Mon am @Work

Two things–my optimism & hope are extremely important, and also, and just as important for staying real & not getting carried away by fantasy–”wherever you go, there you are”.

Tues 9/16 Nite on Bus

Today Ken said what I am doing is “inspiring”. I think thats nice. Sunday Tania said something like what I’m doing is “really great”. Everyone seems to like this, maybe secretly desires to do what they really want. Anyway, I think thats nice, what they said. Did half a portrait of my favorite magazine girl last nght and I think its really good! I think I’m going to Barbados so I can bike ride. Probably will make reservations in the next day or 2. Overall, felt pretty good the last couple of days. Painting helps tremendously.

9/18 Thurs Nite on Bus

3 months from tomorrow is my last day! Yea! Its going much faster now that Labor Day is past although it still feels like a long ways off. Made reservations for 10 days in Barbados today, after a few phone calls. My hotel room sounds excellent although its much more than I want to spend but I’m not going to worry–everything still feels good. Painted a nice picture 2 nights ago–I want to paint BIGGER–I’m going to devise a table or something to do this. I’ll need bigger brushes–but it will be worth it. Big portraits feel good. All is actually okay–I’m still incredibly moody but I’m not worried. Someday I’ll be there.

10/12 Sun Evening

Its been a beautiful fall weekend–cool, nothing but blue skies. I have the day off tomorrow. I’m going to paint. Watched “Basquiat” last nite–I really enjoyed it. Its a little discouraging–there are some painters who are geniuses, I think. It makes my stuff feel tame. I’m not painting from my hurt yet, but I also think my working of faces & proportions is important–or maybe not. I like strong colors & contrast–maybe watercolors are too weak–or maybe I just have to be stronger w/my colors–they can definately be bold–I don’t have the patience for them to dry before putting down a bold color so the bold color, of course, drains into the other, almost–I should play w/ oils as well. I’m knowing more and more, after much depression this weekend–the difference between my heart & mind, like I said on 10/6. I think I have 2 mind sets, like I realized 12/8. I get a secure feeling by being in my nice apartment, fixing my food, & bills paid. This, I know, secure feelings, because of what I have been thru–this feeling is very comforting, the daily routines, meals, vacuuming, etc., feels like “normality” & it is good. The other feeling now which is causing me much angst & depression is that I want so much more, that my life is nothingness, so far from what I need, I want, what I’m capable of. I miss human physical touch & warmth, I think I miss family in its various forms–my original family plus a new family–and I don’t feel that I’m anywhere with my life work, my life creativity. Been very depressed. I think its okay–not trying to cover things up like in the past. I’ve had so many defenses. How did I keep them all in place as much as I did? I can’t anymore–this is why I say my mind is shot–just burned out. Very nervous about the future. Only one way to find out, tho.

10/13 Monday Nite @ Home

No work today–Columbus Day, quite a pleasant day if I do say so. Did 3 nice paintings today–I am quite pleased w/ all 3–leaves for Lindsay, which, I think, really use watercolors as a transparent medium–light colors, transparent, nice. Did Michael Jordan for Kelsey which I really like, even tho I fussed w/ it a lot, and there were parts I could do better, but overall, a good picture. And a fall barn scene for Leslie which I really like as well–got good autumn colors. I need a muse, I seem to enjoy painting for someone better than just painting–at least sometimes. But I can see where a muse could be very helpful to it all.

10/15 Wed am on Bus

Wet fall day–grey–not raining now, rained last nite, just grey & wet but not depressing–just a natural grey morning. I think I’m ready to go down one more layer about kids. More of my mental control devices are leaving & my heart is getting exposed. Let’s just see what I’ve been covering up, protecting w/ all my mental convolutions.

10/17 Fri am on Bus

Pretty fall day–sunny–cool–wearing my coat again. A little down–defenses are leaving–I’m really seeing them for what they are & showing them the door. This is very good. Thinking about death & not knowing what it is–I guess this is the great mystery you hear so much about. I think people are so afraid, or so uncomfortable with not knowing what death is that they have created all the religions to ease that discomfort. Look at dad. I’m sorry dad, but nobody, not even you, “knows” what happens, no matter what you think. At best, you have faith–belief in something you don’t know for a fact, but you don’t know for a fact. I prefer to be uncomfortable with not knowing what death is, rather than using the defense system of the church. Perhaps you have to be scared of death to really live, or perhaps you have to not care about death to really live. Don’t know. Glad its Friday.